We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
a search helicopter?!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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