as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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