Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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