If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The air taste purple.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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