Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
