Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
