i wish semen tasted like chocolate
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
