the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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