I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
