you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
that's an acceptable place to lick
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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