after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
