all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
