so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
