he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
