those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Randomize
