You smell like a Billy Joel song
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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