It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
