I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
