He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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