he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
