DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
