You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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