I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
