once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
