I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
