Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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