if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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