well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
