You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
