Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
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i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
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Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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