I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
