This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
