the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
