who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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