I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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