Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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