I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
