Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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