my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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