I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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