our cab driver is having phone sex.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
