Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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