The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ttyl tear gas
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
