fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
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My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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