No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
