I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
