I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
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We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
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One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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