Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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