He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
