You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
