I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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