a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
