Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
