Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
